Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
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