My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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