How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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