i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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