dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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