A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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