I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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