we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
