thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
We need to rekindle our bromance
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
