Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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