she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
