i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
All the doctor said was why
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
