I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize