He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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