i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
