as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
