God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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