and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
