matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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