Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
