yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
