The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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