theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
