I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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