There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
