What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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