I think I died a long time ago.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
