Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
