so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
