To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize