I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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