my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
