it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
