I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
