I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
