just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
