im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
