He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
