I just cut my nipple shaving
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
