i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize