Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
