You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
