I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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