I'm so fucking centered right now
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
