I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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