Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
