Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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