my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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