Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
