i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
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