it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
