our cab driver is having phone sex.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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