I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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