she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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