Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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