She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
