It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
