My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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