Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
