We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
