If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
