i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
