my phone needs a breathalizer
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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